a husband's diary

Someone asked me the other day "How did you feel on your wedding day?; cauz I remember mine as a mix of exhilaration and slight anxiety". I thought for a while and struggled for a reply. Frankly, I can't remember what I felt like during the wedding day; I don't think I was in a condition to feel anything.

Digest this - I had precisely 20 days to wrap up all wedding related shopping, get engaged, do the mandatory religious/cultural rituals, get married in the church, get married in court, do another reception in a city almost half the country away, enjoy my honeymoon, swallow the seemingly never ending love from everyone manifested in the form of "food", pack my bags and catch a flight back to Canada.. phew!! I did do quite well.

2 days to the engagement day - I was climbing down the stairs from my room; still in a jet lagged zombified state. My mom looked at me and shouted "WHAT HAVE YOU DONNNNEEE?".. I looked at her rather puzzled "What?".. My aunt came out and asked "What?".. and then she looked at me and went "WHHAATTTT?" My dad came out, then my uncle, and my brother and there was a series of "WHAT?"s, panic and pandemonium particularly among the female gender.. and I was still clueless until someone showed me a mirror.. and all that "WHAT"s started making sense. For some unknown and alien reason I had decided to try out my new electric shaver and had developed an allergy on my face... 2 days prior to my
engagement..

Engagement saw me slipping into a long thick traditional Indian silk dress called "Sherwani" and.. the temperature was around 35 degree celsius. In other words, I was cooked until my bones were tender; hardly 5 days since I left Calgary where I was deep frozen in -30 degree celsius; and I hadn't gotten a good chance to defrost.

My dad asked me "When they talk about paying for all your sins and starting a new life, did you seriously think they were kidding?".. oh yeah! what was I thinking?

Some more shopping, getting prepped up for the wedding day which included confession infront of a priest who was adamant about getting into the intricate details of my past, smiling continuously infront of the camera lights and everyone who had gathered at my home the previous night of the wedding, pretending the innocent to comments like "Oh! its little Swaroop's wedding" and my mind going "Seriously! where have you been all these years? Didn't u notice how much I have grown, the occassional grey hair, and wasn't you who told my mom a few months back : time is running out, get him marriiieed.."

Wedding day started with the photographer and the videographer barging into my room and I wasn't even dressed.. "Err.. Can I get dressed?".. "No you are not supposed to dress by yourself, your brothers will have to dress you up and we will have to capture it.." My brother and my cousin brothers were summoned.. after a long gap, I was getting help to dress up (the last time I think was when I was 5).. that too 3 people devoted to the task.. it felt nice, particularly infront of a camera, I mean I obviously had my shirt and pants on before they switched the camera on..

Rest of the day as I remember was obeying to a series of commands like "Sit down", "stand up", "come here", "go there", "pray", "get into the car", get out of the car", "walk in", "stand", "pray", "move", "hold", "tie", "put", "smile", "don't close your eyes", "smile", "hug", "smile", "get into the car", "sit in the car", "get out", "go to the stage", "smile", "cut the cake", "smile", "eat", "get in", "get out", "drink", "eat", "go in", "smile", ......

The wedding day was followed by a number of eating days, pretty straightforward
a) visit people
b) eat everything being served to you
c) take a break from eating
d) eat again
e) visit the next place
f) eat
g) take a break
h) eat again
......

Then was the trip to Mumbai, the reception, and then the honeymoon...

And then packed my bags and off to Canada.. back to my lonely apartment.. married but single..

On that note, let me also give you my definition of love. My wife asked me this question and I had to come up with something completely mindblowing and impressive. So here it is; from my own mouth, fully copyrighted

"Love is that state of mind which gives you an undoubted sense of belongigness, an intense sense of destiny and an unprecedented sense of pride and accomplishment. There are no dreams for 'me', but only for 'us' and no feeling of completeness being alone. It is what makes you want to sacrifice your most cherished pleasure for something as simple as a smile on your lover's face. It is what makes you feel truly privileged"

I know what you are thinking; I am undoubtedly intolerably good at this.. So for those of you who are interested you can avail an earlybird special on my upcoming book "Winning conversations: a step by step success guide for husbands and boyfriends"

Well it's not over..

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shedded and renewed

… Not I in my entirety, but my nose has been going thru a lot of shedding and renewing. And the brave soul in me learnt a very brave lesson - never challenge mother nature.

I was out apartment hunting a couple of weeks back. And as usual, I ventured out without checking the weather forecast. It was about -45 degree celsius combined with the wind chill. So what! I am close to a polar bear, at least that's what I thought. So I reach the area, see a couple of apartments, and then decided to walk down a couple of blocks to see the next one. Wonderful description - spacious wooden floored apartment right by the elbow river.. As I was walking down, I did feel the cold in my bones, but hey, I am the Indian superman. How bad it can be!

Reached there and the apartment owner is not around, I can't get in to the damn building.. and that’s when I felt for the first time "Dude, you were being stupid".. My desperateness led me to knocking and trying to break open several doors.. Aren't there people in there; are they hibernating? I saw a big van parked on the street and walked up to it. An elderly gentleman was sitting in the van with a strange look on his face.. He was starting the vehicle and resembled one of those worn out grandpas who gets abused by his wife everyday.. I asked "Are you leaving?" He looked at me like I am an alien from a planet named GT216450110 or something like that and said "Yeah! I am".. Dude, can't you see that I am dying here..

To my relief, as soon as the van moved away, I saw the apartment owner pulling her car in.. She looked at me and said "Your nose is all white".. I looked at my nose. Yup, it was beyond doubt extremely white.. Infact if I had that color on my entire body they would have given me an Icelandic passport.. may be even an Arctic passport if polar bears were allowed to issue one.

Anyways my nose changed to bright red as soon as I entered the building.. The image in the mirror reminded me of a joker I'd seen in a circus long time back..

Next day I get to the office, and a client stares at my face and goes "Oh! you got a frost burn..wait.. it will change from red to blue, then to black and ur nose will fall off in a week or so.." like it was the most wonderful thing to happen to anyone.. Was he helping me or the project in anyway? You tell me..

The next few days passed with me measuring the length of my nose with my fingers every 10 mins, touching to see whether I have the measurements intact.. seriously, I can't afford to be nose less, trust me.. My nose went thru various stages of shedding and renewal.. Initially the upper skin which was all black started shedding, then it became red, then the lower skin started shedding.. I guess I have at least 5-6 layers of skin (that could explain my unusual shamelessness).. the final update - I have a renewed nose thru naturopathic nose renovation therapy.. but I think I will stop with my nose.. it's indeed a scary treatment..

As you read this, I am setting up an entire home for the first time in my life, definitely with lots of remote help.. and DD and Yogesh has been doing a lot of manual labor..

And I am back with my creative guns firing again..