Wednesday, May 7, 2008

a husband's diary

Someone asked me the other day "How did you feel on your wedding day?; cauz I remember mine as a mix of exhilaration and slight anxiety". I thought for a while and struggled for a reply. Frankly, I can't remember what I felt like during the wedding day; I don't think I was in a condition to feel anything.

Digest this - I had precisely 20 days to wrap up all wedding related shopping, get engaged, do the mandatory religious/cultural rituals, get married in the church, get married in court, do another reception in a city almost half the country away, enjoy my honeymoon, swallow the seemingly never ending love from everyone manifested in the form of "food", pack my bags and catch a flight back to Canada.. phew!! I did do quite well.

2 days to the engagement day - I was climbing down the stairs from my room; still in a jet lagged zombified state. My mom looked at me and shouted "WHAT HAVE YOU DONNNNEEE?".. I looked at her rather puzzled "What?".. My aunt came out and asked "What?".. and then she looked at me and went "WHHAATTTT?" My dad came out, then my uncle, and my brother and there was a series of "WHAT?"s, panic and pandemonium particularly among the female gender.. and I was still clueless until someone showed me a mirror.. and all that "WHAT"s started making sense. For some unknown and alien reason I had decided to try out my new electric shaver and had developed an allergy on my face... 2 days prior to my
engagement..

Engagement saw me slipping into a long thick traditional Indian silk dress called "Sherwani" and.. the temperature was around 35 degree celsius. In other words, I was cooked until my bones were tender; hardly 5 days since I left Calgary where I was deep frozen in -30 degree celsius; and I hadn't gotten a good chance to defrost.

My dad asked me "When they talk about paying for all your sins and starting a new life, did you seriously think they were kidding?".. oh yeah! what was I thinking?

Some more shopping, getting prepped up for the wedding day which included confession infront of a priest who was adamant about getting into the intricate details of my past, smiling continuously infront of the camera lights and everyone who had gathered at my home the previous night of the wedding, pretending the innocent to comments like "Oh! its little Swaroop's wedding" and my mind going "Seriously! where have you been all these years? Didn't u notice how much I have grown, the occassional grey hair, and wasn't you who told my mom a few months back : time is running out, get him marriiieed.."

Wedding day started with the photographer and the videographer barging into my room and I wasn't even dressed.. "Err.. Can I get dressed?".. "No you are not supposed to dress by yourself, your brothers will have to dress you up and we will have to capture it.." My brother and my cousin brothers were summoned.. after a long gap, I was getting help to dress up (the last time I think was when I was 5).. that too 3 people devoted to the task.. it felt nice, particularly infront of a camera, I mean I obviously had my shirt and pants on before they switched the camera on..

Rest of the day as I remember was obeying to a series of commands like "Sit down", "stand up", "come here", "go there", "pray", "get into the car", get out of the car", "walk in", "stand", "pray", "move", "hold", "tie", "put", "smile", "don't close your eyes", "smile", "hug", "smile", "get into the car", "sit in the car", "get out", "go to the stage", "smile", "cut the cake", "smile", "eat", "get in", "get out", "drink", "eat", "go in", "smile", ......

The wedding day was followed by a number of eating days, pretty straightforward
a) visit people
b) eat everything being served to you
c) take a break from eating
d) eat again
e) visit the next place
f) eat
g) take a break
h) eat again
......

Then was the trip to Mumbai, the reception, and then the honeymoon...

And then packed my bags and off to Canada.. back to my lonely apartment.. married but single..

On that note, let me also give you my definition of love. My wife asked me this question and I had to come up with something completely mindblowing and impressive. So here it is; from my own mouth, fully copyrighted

"Love is that state of mind which gives you an undoubted sense of belongigness, an intense sense of destiny and an unprecedented sense of pride and accomplishment. There are no dreams for 'me', but only for 'us' and no feeling of completeness being alone. It is what makes you want to sacrifice your most cherished pleasure for something as simple as a smile on your lover's face. It is what makes you feel truly privileged"

I know what you are thinking; I am undoubtedly intolerably good at this.. So for those of you who are interested you can avail an earlybird special on my upcoming book "Winning conversations: a step by step success guide for husbands and boyfriends"

Well it's not over..

Book it now and you will receive a free copy of
a) Discover the romantic in you
b) Maintaining healthy long distance relationships
c) 50 healthy food recipes for lonely husbands

and finally

d) How to talk crap for 15 minutes or more

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1 comment:

Bhavna Bhatnagar said...

Ha ha...this reminded me of my wedding day 5 years back!

And well, the definition is quite original..I am sure your wife must have been astounded to hear it (coming from a guy!) ;-)